I was talking to a friend the other day about the stupidest piece of hackery I’ve ever done. And I’ve written some really stupid pieces. But this one beats them all by far, I think. Maxim paid me well–this particular piece paid out a couple of thousand–but I was so wrong for them as a contributing editor. Yes, I was a contributing editor.
Sample from the article:
Devil Girl From Mars (1954)
Played by: Patricia Laffan
Home planet: Mars, a major source of ’50s paranoia.
Diabolical plan: To kidnap strapping Scottish men and get herself knocked up, pronto.
Advantages: Has the urge to merge in a big way. [I REALLY DOUBT I WROTE THAT LINE, BUT I MIGHT HAVE BEEN LAZY]
Bonus for submissive types: Can trap laddies in a powerful force field, and has a 12-foot-tall hench-robot named Chani to do her dirty work.
Disadvantages: Is prone to saying snotty, emasculating stuff like “It amuses me to watch your petty efforts.” Should she judge you too old and flabby for breeding, she sics Chani on you.
Typical come-on: “I can control power beyond your wildest dreams. Come! Come! And you will see!”
I still recommend Devil Girl from Mars, though.